“CARE ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THEIR PRISONER.” LAO TZU
When you hear the word ‘addict’, what is the first thing that pops up in your mind? Drugs, right?
Drugs are not the only form of addiction. Being an addict means you can not let go of something that is ruining you. Social media, soda, food, phone, and sex are just a few of other forms of addiction. As for this blog we will be talking about always giving everyone what they want and what they want to hear.
I have been a “people please addict” for as long as I can remember. It was always in my heart to do more for others so they were happy and felt loved. Trying so hard to make sure people liked me. People have told me that I need to stop giving a flying F*&$ about what other people think of me and to not worry about friends but in reality that was and still is super hard for me to do. Since I am a girl who wears her emotions on her sleeve I take a lot to the heart. Making others always felt right to me, but by making others happy I let myself go. By putting myself last it would lead to some big break downs which in the end would ruin relationships or make me feel more alone because the people I reached out for did not reach out to me.
Another way I let people walk over me is I always said “sorry”. Apologizing when it was not my fault. Always wanting to make sure that person was okay and was not hurt. I would rather take the blame a thousand times so a person would not feel bad, but by doing that people got use to me always saying “sorry” and whenever something went wrong…they knew eventually I would apologize. I am not afraid to say that I was controlled not only by my emotions but also a fear that if I did not give people what they wanted than I would end up friendless and alone.
The two phrase “sorry” and “I love you” are the most over used in our society. We throw it out like we throw away trash. We say the words but is their true meaning behind it? I see so many people (myself included) just say “love ya girl” or “aww im sorry” etc. What happen to the days when words meant so much more and when you said “I am so sorry” and “I really love you” those phrases had such a huge meaning and impact? The answer to that in my opinion is social media. We throw those words out their to make others feel better, people who in reality we would not talk to in person. If you look at your facebook page right now how many “friends” does it say you have on their? Mine is 543. Now do I really talk to all of those people? Nope! If I shortened that list to JUST my family I REALLY talk with and are close with than that number drops to maybe 10 and friends 3. 13 people in my life. So the other 530 are “friends” and I do care about them but all I know about them is what I see on social media and it “appears” that we are close when we are not. If social media or any of the apps and technology did not exist, who would be in your corner?
Every week or other week it was a goal of mine to reach out to loved ones and close friends because thats a love language for me but now with having a baby the realization came I did all the reaching out and only 1 or 2 ever reached back out to me. Why do I keep trying? Why was am I not someone that people want in their life to be close too? Once those thoughts started running through my mind my insecurities clouded my judgement. All I kept hearing is “you’re only around when someone needs you or because you’re family and they can’t get rid of you”. I let the insecurity in me fester and after a few hours that insecurity became a reality and truth in my mind.
One thing I struggle with is going through all of this without my husband. My best friend. Not having that person to cry to at night or vent without being judged or told how to do things better. Yes we talk everyday, but when you are a girl in my position you do not always want to cry to your husband because that could affect his safety overseas if he is constantly worrying about me. It is hard to see our son James go through so many changes in his first six weeks of life and experience a lot of firsts without my husband home. It is hard to see friendships that I thought were so strong drift away since I have become a mom or to see friendships were I thought I was important and realize that maybe they are more important to me than I am to them.
Last night as I put our son to sleep the tears came rolling down my face and all I wanted was to be held and loved. As my husband called me later on he asked what was wrong and my heart let it all out. Finally I felt close to my son and I am not so pyscho anymore with my emotions ( I mean maybe still a little 😉 jk lol). By putting my son first (which I will always do) I have had to put my reaching out to people to rest and it hurts that rarely those I cared about reach out to me…when I would do it for them. My husband told me I am letting my insecurity cloud my judgment and that James is a blessing in many ways. This new chapter of our lives is weening out relationships that need too be and is going to open new ones. He told me in this new season all my “sorry” and only one reaching out is going to be stopped and I will learn to embrace the new mamma confidence. With that confidence I will have the right loved ones around me to support, love, and actually care about me. He knows in his heart I have a lot more people that truly care about me than I probably realize and my insecurities is what is making it seem like I have no one when that is really not true.
After we hung up I felt the second greatest peace I have experienced. I am done saying “sorry” for things that I did not do. Yes, I want everyone happy, but it is not my job to put myself last for everyone else to feel more comfortable. That other peoples opinions of me is honestly none of my business. If they do not want to be in my life than I should not keep sticking my neck out for them. I know I am a nice person. An emotional girl. I have a quirky personality and I love harder and wear all my emotions. I overthink and analyze the smallest things. I cancel plans because I am the WORST at scheduling but I will always make it up. I am not going to apologize for who I am. I am not going to be what someone else needs me to be. I am not going to constantly let myself feel like an outsider when I am not part of a “group”. Right now I am a new mama and I am going to rock this life! I will invest more time into those who in these last few weeks have shown me I mean something to them. I will not let my insecurity cloud my judgment again in making me think I am alone.
Heck…I am a recovering people pleaser. Any one else know that feeling?
Thank you to everyone who has joined me on this blogging journey. I am learning the ropes…slowly…but I am learning. 😀
I love you all <333