Sacrifice

“DREAMS DO COME TRUE, IF ONLY WE WISH HARD ENOUGH. YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE IF YOU WILL SACRIFICE EVERYTHING ELSE FOR IT.” -J.M. BARRIE, PETER PAN

This blog hits home for me. Sacrifice is something my son and I do on a daily basis but not many realize all that we do give up. Now let me just say I am not typing this blog for sympathy. I know the life we chose and I would do it over and over again because I know our road is leading us to our dream. The reason I am talking about sacrifice is because after Veterans Day it has been weighing heavy on my heart to share our story. Be open and do not judge, for everyones story and sacrifice is different and unique in their own ways. 

Sacrifice…that word has so much meaning to me. It is a word that I honor and despise at the same time. As most of you know already my husband is overseas most of the year, so I can cut to the chase and say it sucks. One of the main things I hear when people ask why my husband is overseas is, “Well you chose this life” or “Be grateful for the 4 weeks you do get with your husband”. Okay……those are probably the worst things that could be said to a woman in my position. Out of the 52 weeks in the year I have only seen my husband in 4 of those. We sacrifice our time together not because we do not love each other but because we have to right now in this time in our life. My husband is a man of honor and duty. He will always want to protect our country, and now he wants to protect it even more because of our son and I.

Every night when the world goes to sleep, I go to sleep alone so others can be with their significant others safely in their home. Every night when my husband facetimes us to put our son to sleep I can see the sadness in his eyes that he is not physically here to hold our son. Every night when we say our prayers goodnight we pray that daddies phone connection doesn’t disconnect.

Since my husband has been overseas I do not take anything for granted. Not one single thing. It is a blessing every morning you wake up, when you get to talk to your loved ones, and when you have your significant other in the same place as you. Now 99% of the time I do not have a fear about my husband being overseas, I have honestly got use to it and I consider some places “safe” that others would think I am crazy for saying. Then there is the rare 1% of time when I wake up in the middle of the night from a dream of loosing my husband and I think to myself is this sacrifice worth losing my husband over for everyone else to be safe? Yes I know that sounds selfish but this is my (our) truth. I avoid the news at all cost so that 1% never grows to 2 or more. The times I have opened up about my fear of my husband being overseas I get the same reply “Just trust in God”. In reality I want to slap people when they say that, because yes we trust in God and it is so much easier said than done when your husband is constantly in a zone where “things” can happen.

If you read my blog about labor and delivery than you know my husband missed our sons birth by 32 hours. It was a blessing he even made it home that close but there is still a part of me that is sad my husband couldn’t be the one to hold me hand during the pain or couldn’t be the one to cut our sons cord or even hold him in our sons first few minutes of life. It is those moments that in my opinion many people take for granted. Even holidays. I hear so many wives and moms complain about how annoying their significant other is or how they need time away…and all I want is for our family to spend our sons first holidays together. Halloween…thanksgiving…all without him but we do make the best of it and whenever my husband is home we celebrate in our own way. It is not the same though and never will be but I will always be grateful to God every time my husband steps off that plane healthy and whole.

Sacrifices have been hard for us as a family and hard as an individual. Through marriage, pregnancy and the birth of our son I have lost many friends and friends I never thought would drift apart. I have become a canceler because my family will always be first. It is hard to make dinner plans because every dinner plan means one whole day of not talking to my husband and one whole day of our son not getting to know his father. I cancel plans because some nights I am damn exhausted from getting up with my son or getting up because it is the only time my husband can call me. I cancel plans because it is exhausting doing so many things alone and getting things done. Yes, I live with my parents at the moment but my parents also have 3 other kids and 6 other grandkids. Whenever someone wants to go out last minute or if something comes up I cannot just leave my son with my husband to go out. Same with at night when your significant other comes home and you get that alone time or your significant other can help out with your baby (or babies)…I cannot do that. Whenever the world seems like it is tumbling down and I just need my husband to hold me and cry, I hold it together so my husband can stay focused and strong on his job overseas.

In todays day and age we are a very judgmental generation. I can’t even begin to tell you the amount of hatred I have heard towards veterans who have committed suicide or have done things they should not have done. People think it is so easy for our veterans to get the “help” that they need and those who didn’t were just lazy…….now that just pisses me off because our veterans are NOT lazy! “Help” is not easy. When I was in Publix a few days ago I was in the check out line when these people in front of me were talking about how this certain veteran should’ve got the help he needed and he was stupid for not getting it. Listening to them was making me so angry and before I could say something to them I heard a sniffle behind me. I turned around to see this mom holding her child with a tear rolling down her face. I gave her a smile and when she looked up at me she said “My husband was a veteran. He committed suicide. It is not easy to get help”.  I grabbed her hand and told her I understand more than she knows and my heart truly is breaking for her. We held on to each others hand until the people in front of me were done and left. I am not writing this blog to get into a political debate…I am writing this because before you judge try to walk a day in someone else shoes. No one can understand the sacrifice a soldier gives or the soldiers families. The war they battled with overseas does not end when they come home, sometimes it just begins.

This is what sacrifice looks like to us, what does sacrifice look like to you? No ones sacrifice is too small. Always remember your sacrifice is important and your story should be heard. You always a friend in me.

Thank you for listening to me rant and babble.

Love you all <333

Jac Jac

 

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