Do You See Me?

“I AM MORE THAN WHAT YOU SEE”

When I first started blogging my heart was set on it being just for wives whose husbands are deployed or have contractors like mine and are gone most of the year. That obviously did not stick. About a month after I started my blog I realized this is what I was meant for, not because blogging is the “it” thing to do now but because I finally got to share my heart.

If you have read my previous blogs than you know I have a sensitive soul, emotional and an open book. I am not ashamed nor am I afraid to say I am those three things. Growing up I never felt like anyone truly understood who I was. Once I found my confidence in myself and life my husband took a job overseas…and thats when I started going back in my bubble of feeling once again no one knew me. My husband helped me through that year constantly reminding me that it is okay people make comments to me, it is not their life. Well once I started becoming comfortable with being a contractors wife I became pregnant with our amazing little man. After giving birth I was consumed with post partum depression that I completely lost who I was. Those of you that have been following me know about my struggle for those tough times but that I got through it.

***If you would like to read about my post partum struggles you can find that blog back on the home page***

I said all of that to get to this point, I never truly felt like anyone knew me or anyone saw who I truly was. The one person in life who knows everything about me and has loved me through it all is my husband. He knows exactly what to do when he sees I am over scheduling myself or when I start getting eczema again…he knows me. That is how it should be right? Your husband (or significant other) is your best friend but for us my husband is gone a lot. He isn’t home to hold me on the days when my anxiety overwhelms me or when I need someone to tell me to just stop what I am doing because I deserve a break too. He isn’t home to help me fix our house or hand up our pictures. He can not always talk to me when I need him the most…and sometimes…when I really need him I keep it to myself because I can not even begin to understand all that he has seen where he is at and all he has done. Sometimes I have to hold it in so he can be strong for us three.

Many people are quick to judge my husbands and I relationship: “Why doesn’t he get a different job?”, “Why can’t he become a cop?”, “I could never be in your position because I can’t live without my husband”, “Doesn’t it bother him that he is missing his sons life? You know you won’t get this time back?”………..I could write two blogs full of those types of comments I get weekly. It is not easy hearing those things, especially over and over again.

Do you see me?

When I hear those comments I hold back the tears for I do not need to explain our choices to anyone and how dare you judge a man for fighting for his country and keeping not only his family safe but yours. If he wasn’t out their doing what he is doing than who would do it?

Do you see me?

Staying up late at night paying bills, trying to make sure we have enough money during this government shut down, cleaning the house…wishing I had my husband home to hold me tight and say let it go.

Do you see me?

I try to reach out and stay in contact with people so I am not alone. I message a lot because I have no one to talk to during the day or night. So when you don’t respond…my heart dips a little wishing someone understood the position we are in.

Do you see me?

Piling so much in my plate and not asking for help because I can be too prideful.

Do you see him?

When he facetimes his son he wipes away the tears rolling down his face hearing about all the first he missed or seeing our son asleep in his bed and he missed seeing him awake.

Do you see him?

The guilt in his eyes when I tell him about my medical problems and how recently I felt so alone in the doctors room while they did what they had to do.

Do you see him?

Working his butt off for a country that does not recognize all he sacrifices.

Do you see us?

A family miles and miles apart longing for a family night in with pizza and a cheesy movie.

Do you see us?

Having so many plans but falling through because…you never trust a governments promise.

There are so many things that are beneath the surface, things I cannot explain. Over these last two years and becoming a mom I have learned not to judge so quickly. How to love the simple things in life. That it is okay to cry. No one needs to know why you and your family chose a certain path. I have learned finding the right group of people is hard to find and I have learned it is extremely hard for me to open up without receiving pity.

Love one another. Reach out to your family or friends and let them know that they are doing amazing. You never know what is going on in someones life or how much they are sacrificing in life. We want to see the world become a kinder place right? Lets stop talking about what we want and actually make a change.

I challenge you this week, every day for seven days to text someone and let them know how much you appreciate them. You see how hard they are working. You believe in them. Let them know they are seen.

Thank you all for staying with me through this journey and a HUGE thank you to each one of you for the thousand followers on instagram! That has honestly blessed my heart more than I can explain. Love you all <333

Jac Jac

 

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